What Am I Waiting For?

Do you ever have one of those nights when you look at where your life is, you feel sadness, or regret?  Yeah, well I’m having one of those nights.  I think of the last twenty years of my life and all the things that I wanted to accomplish, and I really haven’t done hardly any of them at all.  After graduating from high school, I saw that world with so much promise, and yet here I am feeling like I total failure.  I’m not doing what I feel I’m supposed to be doing.  And even when I am I feel like what I create is shit.  

I feel like I’m just sleepwalking through my own life.  And fucking hate it.  So many times I just took things that were offered rather than striking out to make them or create what I wanted.  Like I was simply living someone else’s dreams.  Not mine.  Where is that drive?  Where is that obsession that I used to have?  When did I become so complacent?

I wanted to be an actor.  I wasn’t too bad either.  I mean, I wasn’t any child prodigy by any means, but I had some raw talent for sure.  But I got scared.  I was so afraid of failing that I never really gave it shot.  And then by the time that I had the courage to do so, I had a wife and kids.  

I wanted to be a singer.  I’m a great singer, and I can say that honestly.  But so what?  I rarely sing, and usually that’s just when I’m showing off at karaoke.  

I wrote a screenplay once.  It wasn’t very good but I wrote it and it felt good.  But then I never followed up on it.  Never improved it.  Never rewrote it.  Never tried to get it produced.  It was like I wrote it and that was it.

Now I’m trying to be a DJ and producer and I have some opportunities and I feel like I just waste my time on lots of stupid shit rather than creating and learning how to do it. 

And I hate it.  I keep thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why is it so hard just to get myself to do this?”  Like I’m looking for excuses not to ever really get it done.

I don’t really like my job.  I’ve been coasting for the last few months, like I don’t really want to be there.  But I like the lifestyle.  And it takes care of my family.  So it’s not the worst thing.  But that’s just it though.  I feel like there is just so much fucking wasted potential and that I’m just settling for “not so bad” rather than saying fuck that and making shit happen.  What am I waiting for?  

I feel so often that I’m the kid at the party who just can’t relax and fun because I’m not supposed to be here.  I not cool enough to hang with these people.  I’m just faking it.