look up and down

New Year

Well, it’s 4:37 am on January first and I’m wondering what I really have to say at this time of day.  I think more than anything, I simply want to put down a few thoughts about what I hope to accomplish in the new year.  Obviously, there’s the usual goal of getting in shape and in my case, it’s simply getting back in shape from a year of being sick and not riding.  I know that once I get back on the bike the pounds will come off as they should.  But what else do I want to accomplish in this new year, this fresh slate, even if it’s simply an arbitrary line in the sand?

This is a year of connecting and reconnecting.  After last year of being sick more often than not, I feel like I’ve let a lot of relationships slide simply because I didn’t have the energy to put much into them.  To my friends, I apologize.  It’s not that I didn’t want to spend time with you, it was simply that I didn’t have the energy to do so, nor did I want to share my various colds that seemed to plague me throughout the last year.

This is a year of letting go.  Letting go of what I used to think I was, and being open to the possible.  As I see my friends and colleagues get older, I see many of them become so recalcitrant in their thinking that they miss out on so many amazing things simply because they close their minds.  I pray that I never lose my curiosity about the world.  It is also a year of letting go of my opinions of others and trying to see them anew, and giving them that opportunity and space that I would hope they would give to me.

And lastly, I think this is the year of love.  More than other areas of my life, this is one place I actually feel ready.  After 4 years of figuring out how this game is played, I know more than ever what I do and don’t want.  Not to say that I’ll settle, but simply, that I’m open to what comes my way, and give it my full heart.

As the hour gets closer to 5, I find my enthusiasm for this is beginning to fade, and I need to get to sleep. Honestly, 2010 was an interesting year.  I learned a lot and grabbed some great opportunities, and let some great ones slip by.  But let us hope that we learn from our mistakes, rather than repeat them.

Here’s to you 2011.  Let’s all make the start of this decade a year that we’ll all cherish.

Drawing Lines

I was chatting with a friend last night, complaining about the craziness of the women in my life, he said something simple and profound.  He said, “It sounds like P has crossed one of your boundaries and that’s why you’re upset.”  It stopped me dead for a moment.  Boundaries?  You mean personal lines of conduct people shouldn’t cross? Hhhmmm….wow.  Hadn’t really thought of it that way.  But he was right. I realize that I have not set clear boundaries for myself.  Sometimes when you’re in the middle of things, it is difficult to see that lines are being crossed, and you tolerate behavior that you normally would not. 

“Also remember,” he said, “The less willing you are to walk away, the less leverage you have.  This is the case in all negotiations, and relationships are a negotiation.  Boundaries are there for you to know when to walk away.”  In other words, have enough self respect to ask for what you want, otherwise leave.  And that’s when I realized that M was crossing one (of many) of my lines.  She was using me emotionally to get through all the shit she has to take from B.  But even more importantly, she doesn’t have enough self respect to not take that shit from B and set her own boundaries for what she wants.  That’s a big red flag.

Time to draw some lines.