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What Am I Waiting For?

Do you ever have one of those nights when you look at where your life is, you feel sadness, or regret?  Yeah, well I’m having one of those nights.  I think of the last twenty years of my life and all the things that I wanted to accomplish, and I really haven’t done hardly any of them at all.  After graduating from high school, I saw that world with so much promise, and yet here I am feeling like I total failure.  I’m not doing what I feel I’m supposed to be doing.  And even when I am I feel like what I create is shit.  

I feel like I’m just sleepwalking through my own life.  And fucking hate it.  So many times I just took things that were offered rather than striking out to make them or create what I wanted.  Like I was simply living someone else’s dreams.  Not mine.  Where is that drive?  Where is that obsession that I used to have?  When did I become so complacent?

I wanted to be an actor.  I wasn’t too bad either.  I mean, I wasn’t any child prodigy by any means, but I had some raw talent for sure.  But I got scared.  I was so afraid of failing that I never really gave it shot.  And then by the time that I had the courage to do so, I had a wife and kids.  

I wanted to be a singer.  I’m a great singer, and I can say that honestly.  But so what?  I rarely sing, and usually that’s just when I’m showing off at karaoke.  

I wrote a screenplay once.  It wasn’t very good but I wrote it and it felt good.  But then I never followed up on it.  Never improved it.  Never rewrote it.  Never tried to get it produced.  It was like I wrote it and that was it.

Now I’m trying to be a DJ and producer and I have some opportunities and I feel like I just waste my time on lots of stupid shit rather than creating and learning how to do it. 

And I hate it.  I keep thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why is it so hard just to get myself to do this?”  Like I’m looking for excuses not to ever really get it done.

I don’t really like my job.  I’ve been coasting for the last few months, like I don’t really want to be there.  But I like the lifestyle.  And it takes care of my family.  So it’s not the worst thing.  But that’s just it though.  I feel like there is just so much fucking wasted potential and that I’m just settling for “not so bad” rather than saying fuck that and making shit happen.  What am I waiting for?  

I feel so often that I’m the kid at the party who just can’t relax and fun because I’m not supposed to be here.  I not cool enough to hang with these people.  I’m just faking it.

Kids and Good Music

Once of the things that I love about being a parent is indoctrinating my kids into good music.  They are big fans of Sarah Brightman, ABBA, Jesse Cook, Rammstein, and Chris Daughtry.  So today on the way to school, it was fun to put in Crowded House’s self titled album.  This has been one of my all time favorites ever since I got it as one of my 10 free CDs from the BMG Music Club when I was in high school.  I know when my son comments on something that he truly likes it.  World Where You Live and Mean to Me got quick comments.  But the funnest was when he heard the discordant bridge in Hole in the River.

Him: “Whoa, that was weird!”

Me: “What was weird?”

Him: “That music.  That was cool.”  

I remember thinking the exact same thing when I first heard it.  It was strange and a little off, but likeable at the same time.  It’s like the piano player goes off on a tear on what sounds like a haunted piano from an old saloon.

Ah life’s little pleasures.

The Broken Man Dream

Last night I had the strangest dream.  There was an old man who was an alcoholic.  He had lived through a great tragedy in his life and was still making himself suffer for it.  Throughout my dream, I tried to talk to this old man, to reason with him, to save him.  Each attempt was a failure and in the end I found myself being dragged down into his misery.  I was trying to free myself from this miserable feeling when I woke up.  

Upon waking I knew that this was an important dream, so I worked hard to remember it before it slipped away.  As I mulled the images in my mind, I realized that this person I was trying to save is the negative person that I’m currently working for.  The final clue (besides the incredibly negative vibe) that it was my current employer was that his ringtone was a Rush song (his favorite band).

For several weeks now I’ve been contemplating leaving.  It won’t be easy since my departure will be very difficult on the company.  But I have to leave, for my own sake.  I cannot take his misery anymore.  

Now before you think I’m just writing a slam post, I’m actually embarking on a journey to change my life.  I want to spend more time on the things that I want, and less on someone else’s dream.  As Billy Joel once said:

I had a friend and we used to be real close 

Said he couldn’t go on the American way

Closed a shop, sold a house, bought a ticket to the West Coast

Now he gives them a standup routine in L.A.

I can’t go on the American way.  Not sure about doing standup in L.A., but I know that I would prefer that to what I’m doing.  

More to come.

Now That I’m Free, What Should I Do?

After years of slogging through to pay off pre-divorce debt, I’m near the end of that dark tunnel.  My rent is cheap.  Student load payment is cheap.  Four payments left on the car.  Reasonable amount in savings.  Child support is a bit of change, but it is what is.  I love my kids.

I’m free.

I was going to buy a house I could afford, but realized it was more than I wanted to pay.  I worked hard to get to my freedom.  I don’t want to give it up that easy.

I’m at crossroads.  Ahead of me are many possibilities.  Which one do I take?

Ahead, I can stay with my current employer.  Small company with potential.  I’ve been consulting for almost two years and he wants to bring me on full time.  But I’m not happy.  Oh I love the work.  It’s just that he’s a narcissistic asshole who pisses me off sometimes.  The other day was whining about the fact that I didn’t put in 40 hours last week, forgetting the fact that I put in an extra 20 the weekend before, and the fact that he already owes me a crapload of money for work he hasn’t paid me for.  I also don’t know if he has the vision or the talent to take his company where it needs to go. 

To my right, I see all the emails that I get from recruiters for the myriad positions open for the in-demand skillset that I have, plus the number of years I have behind it make me very desirable.  But cubicle land would feel like death to me.  And wouldn’t that be trading one master for another?

To my left I see the possibility of starting my own company.  I have ideas and talent.  And finally have the confidence in my own abilities to make them happen.  I need a partner/co-founder to fill in the gaps.  Need to have the money to make this happen.  Not sure where to find either.

I’m sure there are other roads in front of me that I can’t even see.  Maybe they’ll make themselves visible soon.

So, there it is.  I haven’t been in this situation since, well, college and then I was too stupid to know how take advantage of it.  I’m trying to be careful and make smart decisions, but I don’t want to get nailed with paralysis by analysis.

What would you do if you were free?  Seriously, I’d like to hear.

4HB Ripped Week 3 & 4: Finally down 5

Okay, so I got busy and forgot to post last week.  No biggie.  The fact that I post at least once a month has me way ahead of the curve as far as bloggers go.  But I finally broke the 167 floor and have been 165 all week.  I have certainly been putting on a lot more muscle, so that fact that I’m not going down dramatically isn’t surprising.  

Now I know that some people have had amazing results.  I haven’t.  I’m still not sure why because I’m pretty much following it as outlined by Tim.  Maybe I’m not eating enough, but I But, I’m not too worried because I really only have about 10 more pounds to be at my ideal weight.  But I really like this diet because I’m never hungry and I feel so much better.  So even though it might take me a bit longer

The odd thing is that I have my measurements done by a personal trainer at my gym a few weeks ago and she had me at 21% bodyfat at 171.  I had it done yesterday and I was 25% at 165.  Huh??  Well, I learned that you should get measured before your workout rather than after.  But no worries.  I am still happy where things are headed so once cycling season starts I’m sure I’ll see the rest of it just peel off.  

4HB Ripped Week 2: Up 1, May Have to Change Wardrobe

So, coming off the first week drop of 4 pounds, I was rather disappointed when I started the week up 2 pounds at 167.8.  Day after day, the exact same reading.  I was starting to wonder if the scale was broken.  

But then on Wednesday, I wore a shirt that I haven’t worn for about 3 months and I was afraid that I was going to rip out the shoulders and chest!  It used to be kind of loose on me (before I put on my last 10), but now the button across the chest is starting to pucker out.  And I’ve noticed that my belly is getting smaller.  I know that I should measure it, but this week has been hectic and I keep forgetting.  I plan on talking to one of the trainers at my gym to see what my body fat is, since the last time was 3 weeks ago and I was 21%.

Finally on Thursday, the scale seems to fix itself and I was down a solid pound.

I still really like this diet and how I feel eating this way.  No sugar spike/crashes.  No “Holy crap I need a Coke to get through the rest of the day”.  Just nice and even, and I’m never hungry, so even if the results weren’t as visible, I’d still do it just because I feel so much better.

Oh, and for some reason I haven’t been sleeping well since I switched to this diet.  Has anyone else had this issue?  I sleep for about 3-4 hours then wake up.  I’d love to have the extra time, but it’s not deep sleep so I’m exhausted for the day.

Still, all in all a pretty good week.

4HB Ripped Week 1: Down 4, Plus Bonus Side Effects

As I posted last week, I’m following Tim Ferriss’ Four Hour Body diet and workout plan, and I wanted to give you all a status update.  First, the good news.  I’m down 4 pounds this week.  The only time I felt hungry was on Monday, when I thought I had eaten enough (and I had eaten a lot), but I was still hungry. It’s crazy to be on a diet where I have to increase my portion size!

I have noticed is that this diet has a number of interesting side effects.  The first being that I have been much more alert because I don’t have the usual sugar spike and crash.  But this has interfered with my sleep, because I have so much energy in the evening.  I’m working on trying to get that straightened out and I may end up simply having to sleep less, which is okay with me.  

The second side effect that I’ve discovered is that I think that I may have a food allergy.  I’ve had sinus issues since I was about 18.  I’ve just suffered along with it for years, occasionally seeing a doctor here and there only to have them tell me that there’s nothing they can really do about it.  But since I’ve been on this diet, I found that I’m less congested, and that my sense of smell has been slowly returning.

So what’s the bad news?  I have had a little stomach discomfort, but nothing bad.  I need to figure out what isn’t sitting so well with me, but so far this has been a real life changer.

Tomorrow is my first splurge day, then on two week #2.  Here’s to the sweet smell (literally!) of success!

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